I just do.....

I heard from him again. When I saw his name, I was so happy, but also nervous and afraid...everything in one. I must have hoped too much. Wasn't I supposed to be happy hearing from him? Even seeing his name appearing on my laptop drives me insane....it's like seeing him right in front of me...my heart would beat so fast that everything else would become unclear. This is one human being I'm really crazy about. I wake up everyday hoping to see him...I sleep everynight crying and praying for him...everything I do, just doesn't make sense without him. I keep waiting, hoping, crying..and most importantly praying, that one fine day, not very long from now, I wake up and realise this was all a dream...and that it's not even 2008 yet....I would still be 25....and he had yet to stop by into my life. I try to get out of this...I try to look up, I try to move, I try to stand on my own two feet...but I'm still here. I'm stucked here....all by myself. I sometimes disappoint myself by bugging my dear friends too much. Some nights I get so lonely, I miss him dearly. I run to my friends....as if they didn't have their own lives. I'm not the only one in this world....I shouldn't do this to them. When they're not there, I feel guilty....guilty because there had been times I got a little angry when I didn't have anyone to talk to....well, maybe not angry, that wouldn't be the best word to describe it....disappointed and frustrated...yeah, these two. But why? It's nobody's fault. It's mine. It's my bloody fault I got hurt again. I'm never too good for anyone...I should have always had that in mind....and stop acting like it's okay to take risks. I'm very glad I have such wonderful friends though. There have been people who have been patient enuff with me. Friends who definitely know that it's them I'm referring to. I thank you for being there for me, for putting up with my whinning and for all the advice you gave. I'm sorry if in any way I have disappointed you but at this very point of time, I am not able to let go and move on.

For some people, it takes a year of knowing their partners to finally realise they've fallen in love. For others, it takes less than a year....there are those who can fall in love in a month....or a week....and in very few special cases, love at first sight does exist. I truly believe in being friends with the ones I like, rather than liking the ones I'm friends with. So, how long did it take me to fall in love with him?! Not at first sight....but quick enuff to surpise myself. The last time we had a face-to-face talk, we both asked why we were crazy about each other....he could answer me quick enuff....but I couldn't....and I haven't really answered him....up till now. I fall deeper each day....and I've come to realise....that what he felt was probably "like"...or it could have just been a huge crush....or anything else but "love" but what I'm feeling is truly that....yes, love...because I cannot figure out why. It has got nothing to do with any of his qualities. Maybe it does. But I couldn't single out one when he asked. Somebody told me once, it's love when you have an absolute no clue of why you love that someone. And now, I think she was right. I don't need a reason to love him....I just do.

As years past, I learnt that not everyone gets to be lucky. You know, in finding their special someone. I'm one good example. Growing up having my first crush at the age of 13 telling my friends how ugly I was to him, didn't help me either. The first time I felt "it", I was 17. He was portuguese. Well, let's not go any further.....it's not the right time to talk about the past that I had managed to let go. The second time was hard. I was 19. Took me 6 years to get over him. Yes, I was 25 when I finally got to stand on my own two feet again....when I finally realised I didn't need to keep myself busy...to work so hard trying to get him off my mind. My mind did it on its own. But for those 6 years, I cried very often....the first 3 years at least, I cried everynite before I could actually fall asleep....cos he had made me fall so hard only to tell me he was with another girl. Anyway, that's gone now, though I still care very much. And I'm happy to hear he's happy. He's probably married...or engaged?...oh well, who knows. Heard from him not long ago but he was mainly just asking about me rather than talking about him. Well, the point is, it took me bloody 6 years to be free...to get out of the misery. I had thought he was gonna be my very first boyfriend. I would have liked that. Things happen for a reason, so they say. But I never really get it. How could my feelings for him upset me for 6 long years?...hah, I don't even know, myself. Strange. Must have been some strong feelings. And nothing ever happened. Not even a kiss.....and yes, I was "unkissed" until I hit 25....actually just a couple of months before I turned 26. So, if THAT took me 6 years to move on, just image how long THIS would take me. Double the years maybe? Well, that's if I'm lucky. Or I could just possibly not get over him for the rest of my life....my first kiss, my everything else.

In school, teachers would always ask us...if there's someone else you could be for a day, who would it be?! Friends would say various names of famous people....celebrities, soccer superstars and many others. I would say, I wouldn't be living....cos there's absolutely nobody else I would wanna be but myself...even if just for a day. Yes, it always surprised the teachers. But shamely, at this present moment, if there's someone I would wanna try living as, it would be her. Yes, that bitch who ruined my everything. My possible first relationship, my possible happiness, everything. She, the bitch, gets the best of every world. She made him fall in love, then left him....hurt him....and went to other guys.....had so much fun with them for years....then when it's enuff, ran back to him...and he willingly accepted her back. Wow, what a lucky lady. Gets to be with every guy she has ever dreamt of. And girls like me, we end up being losers. We never win. We keep losing....maybe it's fun for guys to hurt girls like us. Well, if bitches were what they want, then I might as well just be one. Maybe I'm hurt because of the sins I had committed. Maybe things never worked out in my favour, because of the people I had hurt along the way. What if he had stayed longer? What if I had more time? Well, that's something she has that I don't have - time! What if I had gone to see him earlier?...So many "maybes" and too many "what ifs". Twice I had fallen hard....and I had to go through so much pain to keep walking. When I gave myself a chance to try again, that was when I met him. He's what I call God sent to me. For now, I'm just not willing to try again. I'm done being nice to them....it's time for me to be nice to me.

I don't have a year...I definitely DON'T have a lifetime...even a month I won't have. A week is too much to ask....so what have I left with? I'll be happy with a day. Yes, just a day....that's how long I need. If I could ask the Almighty just one wish....I would ask for a full day....a day to be spent with him, so I could tell him things I have always been wanting but just afraid to. And maybe after that one day, I would be able to chin up a little bit....knowing I had done my part, my very best to let him know. I would have really made it work. I would do all I can to make sure of that. I would never want to hurt him.....but that's it....time....I wasn't given enuff time to prove all that. I still don't understand. Why would you build something to crash it?! Why?! The reasons he gave....they are not even reasons. I'm crushed because I had the key....I unlocked the door...but when I was about to open it, I couldn't....cos somebody else had done it for me. So she entered. And I was left outside. Imagine building something with your own two hands....with your own sweat....only to realise someone else is making good business out of it. That's how I feel. Betrayed. Cheated. Well, basically, just hurt. But on top of all the sadness I'm feeling, and the betrayal he had done, I'm still not angry at him. I was never so happy with a certain someone until he stepped into my life. Then, everyday was a beautiful day. I would wake up smiling, knowing it was another possible day of spending with him. He dropped by for a very short time. But that's as long as I would want to remember him. The happiness and memories he left, would forever stay with me, for I would cherish them until I take my final breath.

I'm unsure of many things...but if there was one thing I'm sure of, I am insanely, head over heels in love with him.....Don't ask why...there's no answer in me. I love him...I just do.

[[Sweetheart, Look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone....]]